A Letter To My Creative Self

 

Dear Creative Self:

 

I want to apologize for neglecting you 

for ignoring you as if you were a pesky sibling born against my will

 

I want to apologize for my cautious personality traits

which were, quite evidently, self-taught defense mechanisms 

to the big scary world around me

 

They tell me not to take risks 

and convinced me that everything must be well thought out and calculated

They often fight against my adventurous side and govern my decision-making

Rendering me indecisive 

 

I apologize for putting you off until tomorrow 

and then the next day and the next

Jotting down your ideas 

but not treating them with urgency 

and allowing them to escape my memory

Out of sight out of mind

 

I apologize for killing you with comparisons

For hours spent on social media 

letting my eye gates take in things that did not serve you

For being distracted

For starving you

Belly bloated from hunger

For trying to satisfy you with material things 

instead of fresh inspiration and truth

 

I apologize for putting you in a box

For molding you into the world's idea of presentable

For not cultivating your natural beauty

For granting you permission to run free

but then hiding you from the ears and eyes of many

For feeding you repeatedly 

with the lie that you are not perfect

For only letting you see the light of day 

when you were perfect

For punishing you for being silent

For the moments I ran you into the corner and threatened you to do better next time

For the times I ripped up your words and said they didn't matter

 

Creative self, you are a gift that I deem priceless

No amount of attention or accolades can make you any more or less

When God placed you in me he saw that it was good

And I am blessed

You are mystery and wonder

You are perfect design and glorious power

 

I vow to destroy every wall I’ve placed around you 

and remove the chains of fear that I have impressed upon you

I vow to give you my full attention 

and nourish you with unvarnished truth

 

I promise to let you feel

To let your hair defy gravity like it naturally does

to let your already dark skin tan in the sun

to allow you to be raw and unfiltered

I will dedicate my time to letting you take risks 

and doing things that may not, initially, make sense

 

I will not let the opinions of others, support or lack thereof, define you

I will not call your unique nature stupid or too complex

I will let you be silly

I will even let you swear if need be

I won’t tell you how to be

I will genuinely and honestly let you run free

 

I must apologize to the creator of me 

for not sooner realizing that lack of creativity 

was largely due to not letting all of who I am live simultaneously

For not being united in self

For compartmentalizing who I am

For not allowing every piece of me to live in harmony

 

Somewhere down the line being was not enough

that is when chaos got me stuck in one hell of a rut

 

Sincerely Yours, 

Najha